One of the hardest parts of struggling is the meaning we make out of it. That we’re too sensitive. Too much. Not enough. That everyone else seems to be coping better. You name it, I’ve heard it. As a therapist you learn over time what messages people tend to hear often. Somewhere along the way many of us learned to equate emotional pain with personal failure.
But what if the way you’re feeling actually makes sense? What if your struggles (anxiety, disconnection, shutdown, overwhelm) aren’t signs of something wrong with you, but signs of how your system has learned to protect you? Let’s chat about it.
You Aren’t Broken
I’ve sat with a lot of people over the years. Some in crisis. Some just starting to explore the possibility of therapy. Some who have done the deeper work. And across all those different stages of the healing process, one belief seems to show up again and again… “There must be something wrong with me.”
It shows up in the way people describe their struggles:
- “I just can’t get over this.”
- “Other people seem to handle life better than I do.”
- “I don’t know why I’m like this.”
I like to think that most humans seek to problem solve and this can open the door to a lot of self-blame or criticism. We tend to internalize the idea that our struggles are a reflection of some core defect.
As a therapist, I don’t see broken people when they walk through my door. I see people who have adapted…sometimes in painful, confusing, or self-protective ways.
Our Brains Protect Us
Let’s talk about the brain for a second. When something overwhelming or traumatic happens your nervous system does its best to keep you safe. That might mean shutting down. Avoiding certain memories. Becoming hypervigilant. Feeling disconnected. Numbing out. These responses are protective mechanisms designed to help you survive. How cool! But sometimes, those strategies stick around long after the original threat has passed.
So if your anxiety feels intense in everyday situations? That might be your nervous system still scanning for danger. If you’re easily overwhelmed by emotions? That might be a nervous system that learned to compartmentalize in order to function. If relationships feel hard or unsafe? That might reflect early experiences where connection was confusing, inconsistent, or unavailable.
None of this makes you broken. It makes you adaptive!
Of course, just because something was adaptive doesn’t mean it’s still serving you. You aren’t a problem to be fixed. Learning and healing from past experiences helps give your brain a new “template” for response instead of what it once had to do to respond.
Reframing Mental Health
Sometimes in the world of mental health there can be a heavy focus on treating symptoms rather than focusing on underlying issues. I find it so important to talk to clients about seeing their symptoms as signals, not just symptoms. Signals of unmet needs. Of chronic stress. Of unprocessed grief or trauma. Of nervous system dysregulation. Of emotional needs that have gone unacknowledged for too long.
When we view mental health as a dialogue between mind, body, history, environment, etc…we open the door to so much more curiosity and compassion. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?”, the questions start to shift to…
- “What happened to me?”
- “What did I need that I didn’t get?”
- “What patterns make sense, given what I’ve lived through?”
- “What kind of support could actually help me now?”
The reframe invites healing instead of criticism and that is so important to your growth journey!
The Role of Self-Worth
Struggling with your mental health can take a toll on self-worth. It’s surprisingly common for people to feel more shame about having the struggle than the struggle itself. It’s a lot of internalized chatter. I know those thoughts…and they can feel really hard to hear from yourself! Self-worth can have an impact on whether or not we seek help, how we respond to setbacks, and what kind of life we believe we deserve. When we start believing that our struggles mean we’ve failed somehow, we stop seeing the pain clearly.
It’s so powerful to start separating your worth from your wounds. You can be struggling and still be worthy. You can be in progress and still be enough. You can have parts of you that feel messy and still be deserving of love.
What I’ve Learned from Sitting with Pain
There have been times when I’ve felt the weight of perfectionism, second-guessed myself, or tried to push through hard seasons instead of slowing down and tending to what needed care. I’ve had to learn (and re-learn sometimes!) that healing isn’t linear. The waves teach us to be more resilient because there is so much in life outside of our control.
Reframing your mental health and self-worth is an ongoing process, but here are a few practical ways to start:
1. Notice Your Internal Dialogue
We all have an internal voice that narrates our experience. You know the one?! Sometimes that voice is compassionate. Or can sound a little like a bully. Start paying attention to how you talk to yourself especially when things are hard. Is that voice kind? Is it critical? Does it sound like someone else’s voice from your past? Awareness is step one. You can’t challenge the narrative if you don’t know what it sounds like!
2. Practice Nervous System Care
This one is huge. A dysregulated nervous system can make everything feel more overwhelming! Small practices like breathwork, grounding exercises, stretching, or simply pausing for a moment of stillness can make a noticeable difference. EMDR therapy is one way I help clients work directly with their nervous systems to process stuck experiences and build capacity for regulation.
3. Reclaim Your Narrative
Your struggles don’t define you. BUT the stories you tell yourself about those struggles do shape how you feel about yourself. Try journaling about moments of resilience/gratitude, times you’ve grown, or things you’ve survived. Begin to build a more compassionate and complete narrative about who you are.
4. Connect With Safe People
There is so much research that suggests that healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or a friend who just gets it…surrounding yourself with people who reflect your worth back to you is powerful. There is usually a strong correlation between feeling like you matter and feeling known. Share with the people closest to you that you trust to care!
5. Reframe Tough Days
Progress doesn’t mean perfection. A little louder for the people in the back?! Having a hard day doesn’t mean you’ve failed or regressed. We wouldn’t have opportunity to build resilience if we didn’t have difficult experiences, right? I want to encourage you to think about how robotic life would feel if we were all 100% “okay” all the time. The tough days create space for you to allow others to support you and help you to connect with others at a deeper level when you’ve “been there” before.
Support Makes a Difference
Remember there’s a “why” behind the shut down, the overthinking, the emotional swings, the numbness. None of it is random and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. The more we recognize our patterns for what they are, whether it’s adaptations to stress, trauma, or unmet needs, the less likely we are to blame ourselves for them.
Connection is powerful. Letting someone in when you’re struggling can feel vulnerable, but when it happens in safe relationships it creates space for real change! If you’re a mental health professional wanting to deepen this kind of understanding for yourself and your clients that’s exactly why I started Mindemics. To offer practical tools, continuing education, and supportive resources so you can feel confident and knowledgeable in your work. Check out what we to offer down below!
